Maybes

Well, it’s been a Monday. Yes, it’s actually Wednesday. But, I slept too late, didn’t get started on my day right, and the rest has been downhill. It’s been one of those frustrating days when you just aren’t sure what you’re doing, or why. I had no focus, couldn’t keep my thoughts straight, and was terribly irritable, for some reason, so the kids definitely got the bum end of it. So, as I started trying to find the cause of my insanity, I started wondering… maybe it’s just that my blood sugar was off because I had 12 tiramisu caramel truffles for breakfast. Or, maybe it’s because I was wearing my glasses, which tend to make me feel claustrophobic. Maybe it’s because I didn’t take my vitamins, and my brain needed that fish oil to function properly. Or maybe it’s because the house was a total mess, which makes me absolutely crazy. Maybe it was the mud crusted on the carpet that the kids keep tracking in from the perpetually muddy yard from the perpetually gray sky and the perpetually rainy weather. Perhaps it’s because my desk was cluttered with sewing stuff from the project that I haven’t been able to finish, and really want to, so I’ll have skirts that fit. After all, my skirts are getting too small, my waist too big, my hair too gray, and my skin too wrinkled. Maybe it’s the constant noise and fighting from my beautiful children, so that I don’t have a minute to hear myself think. Or, just maybe it’s the guilt from the secret jealousy I have of my friends whose kids are all at school for most of the day, who get to clean the house, read a book, and have more quiet moments than the ones they get on the toilet. Maybe it’s that I feel completely inadequate to teach these children everything they’re supposed to learn, as well as be a kind and loving mother. June Cleaver, my role model, didn’t have her pre-adolescent men-children at home all day, and that’s why she was able to get dressed, cook, smile, and be the perfect mother and wife. Maybe it’s because, while I love my children dearly and wouldn’t have them anywhere but home (really), I spend the day trying to rush them through school so they can go out to play and I can hide from them (not really, or not often, anyway.) Maybe it has something to do with the parental wall we’re facing with teaching one of our children to be loving and kind and not having any idea what to do next, since our current path hasn’t worked out so well. Perhaps it’s because I’m not drinking enough coffee, or taking too much fiber, or didn’t work out this morning. The fact that I spend too much money and have constant guilt about that is likely to contribute to the problem, as well as the fact that I’m surrounded by so much ‘stuff’ and have so many things in my closet, that I don’t even know WHAT I have, or where it is. Maybe it’s my inadequacy as a wife, never devoting enough time to my amazing husband, who deserves much more. Maybe it’s the guilt from not reading my Bible enough, which means I don’t read anything else, either, because if I don’t have time for that, I shouldn’t have time for anything less important. Or prayer… could use a LOT more of that. Maybe, just maybe, I just need to whine sometimes. Or maybe I whine too much. That seems much more believable, especially today. There are just so many factors that can and do contribute to a lack of sanity, it would be hard to pin down just one, or two, or fifteen. But, I think it helped just to take inventory, to lay them all out there and ponder each one. Well, I don’t know that I can say I actually pondered them, as I didn’t really have time to do that, but I did let each one flash through my mind for a second… long enough to type it, anyway. I finally did settle down a bit, made a latte, and had a seat here at the computer, and decided to let it all pour out. Well, my latte tastes like sour milk, and the kids won’t stop making gun noises and fighting so they can get ready for services, so I’m going to end the rant and get them moving. I am definitely looking forward to services, where I can converse with some other adults, sing praises to the Lord, and be reminded of how blessed I am. Really, I need the reminder. Sometimes it takes a good meltdown to look up and get your bearings. (Had to pause typing so I could take the guns and hurl them across my bedroom.) So, we’re off. Maybe tomorrow will be better.