Symphony True

The boys and I recently listened to an audio book called The Aurora County All-Stars. I totally judged it by the cover, and expected a simple kids’ book about a baseball team. While it was about a baseball team, it was much more than that, too. The story was beautiful, complicated, and meaningful, and I’d recommend it to any older child or adult. What has really stuck with me, though, is this poem by Walt Whitman (of whom I’m not a huge fan because of his ideas of inner truth and divinity) from the Leaves of Grass collection, that summarized the moral of the story.

After the Dazzle of Day

After the dazzle of day is gone,
Only the dark, dark night shows to my eyes the stars;
After the clangor of organ majestic, or chorus, or perfect band,
Silent, athwart my soul, moves the symphony true.

Walt Whitman

I guess it means something to me at present because we're in a chaotic time. The stress of preparing for a move, being away from Honey so much, being out of our routine, and having anxiety over what will happen next have gotten me in a real funk lately, and it becomes difficult to maintain focus and clarity. And strength. I’m a pretty tough cookie, and my usual tactic of 1) ignore the problem, 2) get really busy so you don’t have to deal with it, and 3) pretend it never happened, are just not working.

I didn’t get a single goal written yesterday. Some planning was done, books evaluated, and a schedule was made, but no actual goals were written, and I was at this desk for 15 hours. No joke. It was a weird day, at best. Apparently, it was just what I needed.

In the silence I don’t normally get to experience, I think I had a chance to really listen and reflect, but I didn’t get to that place on my own.

I don’t believe the Lord ‘speaks’ to us like he did in the Old Testament, or to Saul on the road to Damascus. But, I believe he uses people and circumstances in our lives to teach us and nurture us, and discipline us when needed. And, boy, they were all knocking on my door yesterday! I had one person after another, on the phone, on Facebook, and on email, giving me direction and encouragement that they didn’t even know I needed. Two people called me out of the blue and gave me words that only God knew I needed to hear. It was truly amazing. In the sheer shock of the weirdness of it all, I had to listen. Well, and cry like a baby.

Is that really what it takes for me to listen? Trumpets, and tambourines, and drums, instead of a whisper? I know better than that. I know that he has me cradled in his hand, and even when I can’t see what’s going on around me, I am safe. Even when I can’t hear the song for the instruments, the clangor, the dazzle… he is still making the true music, and all I have to do is be quiet and listen. I know that.

You would think, from my whining, that something awful was taking place in my life, but it’s not. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and has a good job, healthy children, a happy home, food, friends, health, freedom, and everything else I need. It’s really unbelievable how fairy-tale blessed I am. The only problem is that I’m overwhelmed. With all those blessings, and all the craziness of life, I am easily overwhelmed, and haven’t quite learned to settle down and trust God to get me through the busy, unsure times that we all have to experience.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m a bit of an… organizer, to put it nicely. I like everything to be where it belongs and in control. My control, preferably. That character trait is a blessing about 20% of the time, and a serious obstacle the other 80%. Christians aren’t called to be in control. We are called to surrender control… to the Lord, to our husbands, to our authorities. It’s a battle for me. When life gets out of control, and it doesn’t match my plan, I get crazy. Well, and I cry like a baby. It’s really embarrassing and inconvenient, but it’s humbling and helps bring me back to center, and remember that I’m NOT in control, and I have to stop trying to be.

When I got in bed last night, I opened my Bible to a random page in Psalms and began reading chapter 61.

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Oh, my. Yes, I cried like a baby.

I lay there knowing that my weird day, full of unaccomplished tasks, unwritten goals, and many truffle wrappers… had been much more fruitful than I had planned. I had been reminded that He is in control, not me. I had been reminded that I am loved and supported, and people are praying for me. I had been reminded that I need to listen and trust, and not get distracted by the noise that starts out being part of the song, and ends up hiding it completely. God made the stars in the heaven, and he directs the symphony. Not me. All I have to do is listen.